It's unthinkable knowing
that I'm so insignificant than
you really claim.
Not even seeing how so
far apart we really are.
I can't kill the pain.

It's unthinkable knowing
what you really think of me:
ungrateful, a whore, a no
good piece of shit.
I've never felt so empty,
always left to be alone.

It's hard trying to pretend
that it doesn't hurt.
Always trying to survive
on my own,
struggling on my bloodied
hands and knees.

But you've never heard my cries,
nothing's ever changed.
You've drowned me out
with gifts of guilt,
hoping to repair
what was never there.

I feel nothing
for what is supposed to be
of the same blood,
caused by an empty
separation, broken
communication.

Wasted chances you've been
given, and every time
more pieces of me
cracked, crippled, and crushed.
Enough damage done through the
years, an end to decieving myself again.

There's no comfort
in going home.
Done with sacrificing
myself for what's never to be.
Never again,
an end to save myself.


**After a painful visit to what I hoped would've been better.

Over what's happened in the last two weeks, I'm actually glad to be back at work. I've relaxed more than I have in a while.

Instead of writing a poem, I figured I'd just blog tonight. The last two weeks have been incredibly stressful. My parents and younger sister just left this morning to head back overseas - they were in the states showing my little sister college campuses and came to visit me. Honestly, I wished they (my parents) hadn't visited.

I brought them home the first night and the first thing out of my mother's mouth was how I keep clean. I'm a very clean person already - I just can't function if something's messy or out of place. Despite that my apartment was spotless, it wasn't good enough for my mother. Shortly afterwards, both of my parents complained how small my place was. I live in a studio apartment, and it's pretty big for one person. However, when there's four people here, of course it seems small.

The next day was my mother's birthday, so we went out to eat at Chilli's. My boyfriend came with to meet my parents. My parents already didn't like Robert, and this was way before they met him. My dad asked him a few questions, at first I thought it was going well. When we left, Robert had tried to pay for his own meal, but my parents paid for his meal - he was uncomfortable. The next day happened the same way at the Korean restaurant - Robert tried to pay for his meal and they paid instead. He was starting to feel like his money wasn't good enough for my parents.

The following day, we headed out to Seattle/Portland. Robert came along because I had asked him if he could join us and show us around. Traveling with my parents can be very stressful, especially when they (my parents) don't have a clue where they're going. I figured, it would be easier if Robert came along to show us around, seeing that he's from around there and he knows the general area. The only problem that Robert had went we got out there was that roads had changed because Seattle/SeaTac had grown. However, my parents expected him to know every single road in both Seattle and Portland - I have never met anyone who knows every single street like the back of their hand. It was ridiculous. We had also picked places out that my parents wanted to see. I figured, I only live four hours away from Seattle, so if I wanted to come back to do things I wanted to do, I can come back later. Robert had specifically picked things out he knew my parents would've loved to do (Pike's Place Market, the underground tours, etc.) However, after everything we've done, my parents would say that they've seen better or that it had sucked. It hurt me and it hurt Robert the most, because he was trying so hard to make them happy.

While in Seattle, my dad had a talk with Robert, asking him very uncomfortable questions. My dad's intentions for these questions were not good - my dad picked segments of what Robert had said, twisted what was really said and was used against me. It only got worse on the way to Portland. I had started to drive but was exhausted and pulled over. I wanted Robert to drive because it was just easier. My mother jumped in the driver's seat. I couldn't sleep. My mother was going 80+mph while everyone else on the road was going between 55-60mph. Over here, you can go up to two miles over the speed limit, you go three miles over, you can get ticketed. My mother was recklessly driving. So I told my mom to pull over, saying that I had to use the "rest room". When I got back from the bathroom, I told her to get out of the driver's seat. We argued because she wanted to drive and I couldn't tell her to her face that she was driving recklessly. My mother's stubborn and won't listen. Before we took off again, I hadn't realized that Robert had sent me a text while I was in the back seat. He said he was scared to death because of my mother's reckless driving - and from the front seat with my mother, yes it can be scary. Then at the hotel, my dad wanted to use my phone to call Prosser Pianos (the piano store in Seattle, where my parents had bought me the Roland RM-700 - one of the most expensive digital pianos made today. I had told my parents that I didn't need THAT expensive of a piano, but they bought it anyway). Before my dad had called the piano store, my mom went through my text messages without my knowing. She found the text Robert had sent, got angry and blew it out of proportion. Then my dad called Prosser Pianos and canceled my piano. I was hurt, yes, not because they canceled it, but because it was something my parents had planned to hold over my head all along. They "said" they were going to buy me the piano so I can practice and use for my music minor and such, however, it was something they hoped I would be too occupied to be with Robert and so that they can guilt trip me into things they want me to do since they got the piano. Honestly, I'm glad they canceled it. After finding out what their actual plans were for this piano, I don't want it. I'd rather save up and get my own.

My parents already didn't like Robert and after the trip to Seattle/Portland, they hated him. All because they only bothered to pick things they knew they didn't like with anyone. They claimed that Robert's using me, and that's obsurd. They kept making stories about him and it was just becoming so ridiculous.

I've never been so offended/disrespected and so disappointed by my parents.

Let the rain fall,
breathtaking ecstacy pouring on me,
and life for the moment, stands still.
A distant lullaby shall play
and I'll pretend to sleep,
listening to the melody and dream.
Let me fly,
be my wins and soar high,
embrace me, don't let me fall.
I want to dance in the sky,
as if a violent shooting star
passes by gracefully, beautifully.
Don't let me slip,
falling into eternal darkness,
never to be woken.
Hold me close
and don't let go.
Promise to stay
and we'll watch the horizon
as it kisses the new day.
Together, we'll fade.

The air inside my lungs
Only builds and builds.
You've made me so numb,
I cannot bare myself
To bring me further
Down into the ground.
Hurting so much within,
The pressure's breaking me,
I cannot pull myself away.

//CH0RUS//
I'm needing to breathe.
Needing to release
All that causes me
To suffocate in you.
I've got to release.

Putting you before me,
Letting me crumble
Beneath your highness.
You walk all over me.
I'm crying inside,
But I love you so.
Wanting your happiness,
I give up my own.
So torn, I can't decide.

//CH0RUS//

//BRiDGE//
What have I done to myself?
I have sacrificed
Everything I am.
Why should I have to be
Nothing to you when
You're everything to me?

I've got to release,
I'm suffocating in you.

//CH0RUS//

I've got to release.

Feeling neglected,
Rejected,
Insignificant.
Tell me I'm wrong,
Show me that I'm worth everything.
So tired and fragile,
Give me the strenth so I can carry on.
In desprate need of feeling safe,
But there's no where to run,
No where to hide.
I'm all alone,
All alone again.
Fighting to survive,
Giving up all that I have,
Nothing's left.
You don't care,
Oh no, you don't.
You stood there,
And watched me fall.

Tears falling,
Loud yelling,
Glass breaking,
Mind numbing,
Heart aching.

When is it going to stop?
End the hurt,
Dry my eyes.
I'm right here,
I'm waiting.

When is it my turn for happiness?
When is it my turn?

Confusing and irrational with decisions,
Harsh and unaware of your actions.
Silence and heated words,
You hurt me so.
Have you tried so hard
To understand and ease my pain,
But do you no longer.
You're wanting me,
But had you not the nerve to tell me
Love was soon you would devote to.
It wasn't to last, I knew.
With your desires for me,
It was only a matter of time.
You're heartbroken, and here I am,
Trying to be there for you, as you were for me.
Although hurt and angry with your dishonesty,
I'm still here, but why do you shun me?
Did you dare to pull at my heart,
With selfish sin you were thinking to commit,
And leaving without my knowing,
Would you be safe for the remainder of the night?
You're there, though, to me,
You still won't speak,
I'll still wait.
Promise asked,
Promise kept.
You still don't realize,
I stand before you,
Waiting.

Here I am, in my solitude,
Thoughts of mine run free.
Memories flood back, what's missing today?
It feels so empty alone, I'm discontent.
Listen to the silence, hear what's left of me.
Broken, in so many pieces,
Just barely living on
And you don't seem to take notice,
That I'm so close to death.
You assume everything's all right when I'm
Hiding behind happiness painted upon porcelain.
But something's missing,
A cloud of emptiness enloping me
And I can't seem to find my way out.
I'm lingering here,
With my light in the distance
Fading away.

In silent black midst
I've fallen once again
Here lies my shattered pieces
Broken beyond repair
Where am I to go from here?
I can't see, can't find my way

//CH0RUS//
And I can't breathe (can't breathe)
Just for one breath to hold on
And I can't sleep (can't sleep)
Knowing in my dreams, I continue to fall
Need to survive (to survive)
But I'm too breathless to fight for me

A familiar path
I journey here again
Scared to wander too far 'way
Don't want to face my fears
Where am I to go from here?
I can't see, can't find my way

//BRiDGE//
What lies there, yonder in shadows
Afraid to find, terrified to cry
These nightmares won't subside
Set me free, I need to breathe

//CH0RUS// x 2

Too breathless to fight
What lies there, yonder in shadows
Don't want to face
Breathless